OK, it doesn't get much more real than this folks.  Pay attention.

I haven't posted to this blog in quite a while.  Half of the reason is that I've been pretty damn busy with everything, the other half is that I've been considering taking this thing offline.  It's been four years...four years.

Busy is good, it keeps you too busy to think about stuff.  I can't say that I don't LIKE thinking, that I don't cherish having an opinion on life and how life feels to me.  It's that very thing that has forced me to keep a diary, a journal, a blog for all these years, and to look back on them later and laugh.  I can't tell you that my opinion on life has gone away, it just comes out in 10 minute spurts now.

Despite my perceived "openness in real life", in person among people I like, there is MUCH more to me shared only with people I TRUST which is a much shorter list.  This part of me has unpopular opinions, a part that is angry, jealous, stupid, judgemental and downright wrong at times but willing to admit it. I've been sharing this part of me in this blog.  The funny stuff, the childish stuff, the dark sides that I'd prefer to keep to myself but cannot seem to...  It's a part of me that has to go somewhere, else I'd explode.  For me, it was the writing that released it all and made me feel better. 

All along I've been hiding behind my "handle" taking so much care to not reveal a link to my blog associated to my real name to search engines.  Part of that is due to my experience with unwelcome appreciation from the web, momma's basement livin' jerk offs on my doorstep that found me because of my openness.  Thankfully I've never been hurt by the web, only inconvenienced, annoyed.  A larger part of it though is my fear that one day my inner thoughts and opinions would be discovered by those who employ me.  That the "True Me" would be found online and found to be unacceptable and that my cherished career would be ruined as a result.  A classic paranoid theorist, my biggest fear has been that I'd be deuced for revealing my inner thoughts and feelings.  That's right folks, I'm paranoid and insecure.  I hide the "real me" from most everyone and it is fucking exhausting.  That's why I need you.

For some reason I've decided to hide the fact that I DON'T like everyone, despite the way I act.  I've decided to mask my political opinions, my feelings on virtually everything that could be controversial, all in the name of being favorable to everyone but mostly to those who sign the checks for the work I do.  Now THAT'S fucked up!

In a perfect world I should be free to have ideas, moods, opinions and to not like everyone.  The problem is that things go from light to dark very easily for me, I can be sweeter than peach cobbler one minute and mean and cruel in the next based on what people give me.  Personally, I LIKE that part of me, anger motivates me, but I am painfully aware of the fact that my words have a lasting effect and people I really truly like are hurt in the wake of my moods, so I shut up.  The interpersonal relationships are one thing but career wise, the wrong words, the wrong look, the wrong mood can have an effect that lasts beyond the time it takes for me to get through my temper tantrum.  Truth is, most times when people REALLY piss me off they have no idea and I vent about it to others.  If only I were stronger, more confident in standing up for myself when I've been wronged, more like a man, this would not be an issue.

I'm trying, people.  I'm still pretty sweet, people are still mistaking me for being too nice when in fact I am great at bottling shit up.  But this year I have flat out told some people what pisses me off about them, really truly, deep in my dark little heart HOPING to shed some light on some places for them to improve.  If you can find a way for me to be better (except for the being late thing) please tell me and I'll work on it as long as it doesn't violate my perception of myself. 

In the midst of that, it only occurred to me this year that no one really gives a fuck and it made me feel stupid for being so self involved.  It occurred to me that the friendships that I hold, or claim to hold, come from fun times TOGETHER and not vicariously. No one gives a fuck that I am having a blast listening to old Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jams tunes right now, and that I send them links to the videos in email hoping they have as much fun as I did with them. 

The truth is I wish we were here together, I'd dance stupid for you, or sing cracking high notes for you when I know I can't...just for a laugh...because we all need a laugh and I'll be your jester when you need me.  When I sent the long emails that drifted off into random thoughts of my mind, know that I did it because I was thinking of you, because I miss you and I wished I'd been able to talk to you face to face.  I send the emails because I care, I love you my friends, I do...but it would be MORE fun of we were all here Lost in the Ocean...we're all so busy or interested in things that make us anti-social...we forget to take time for being the fucking monkeys we are.  I don't want my favorite friend to be the internet and I hope you don't either.

This blog has been in part a release mechanism for me to get some shit off my chest and at other times a way to try and connect with my friends.  I'm afraid of what getting shit off my chest online could do to me and I'm learning that I need more time with friends or to stop thinking that I have any at all.  In other words, this may need to stop.

So in conclusion, I wish I could tell you that I've decided that the fears I have about my blog, about expressing the "real me" have been found to be pure bullshit....that I'm a strong woman, that I don't CARE what anyone who happens acrossed this place thinks of me.  As Meka would say, "DEAL with it mutha fucka".  That's the woman I am and wish I could be all the time...the truth is I cherish my career and I will fight to protect it, even if that means I have to spend a third of my life being a generic person.  I hate myself for it, but survival is survival. 

As for the friends, we need to figure out what we mean to each other and deal with it, stop being so distant or call it a good story.  My heart tells me to pull you closer but my non-working schedule is too impromptu to make plans.  The old Meka is gone.  The new Meka will party her ass off on the weekends as easily as she'll dig into a web design project and work until the sun comes up.  For the record I can't be "turned on" to the goofball you know and love when you want me to be that way.  Depending on what mode I'm in, this song could be the beginning of a wild and crazy night as much as it could be a good toe tapper for working.  When the mood strikes me I'll try let you know that I have a wild hair up my ass, but it cant be scheduled.