This is WildBlueMekaLizard's blog Est. April 16, 2004
WARNING: You're about to get "knee-deep" in it! I'm a moody shit but I aim to please so if I make you smile a little or even laugh, my work is done. Enjoy!
This blog is based on actual events. Some names and locations have been changed to protect the guilty from identification and to protect the author from litigation.
I havent been around here in a WHILE and there are good reasons. Here we go:
Christmas was fast approaching and we were on the schedule to host both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in our fabulously remodeled new home. At Thanksgiving we didnt have a kitchen but rather a big empty room with a naked but painted walls and a few pipes sticking out of the floor. No cabinets, no floor, no SINK and I'll admit I was on the verge of going fucking ape shit because the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is always a haze to me, what with the year ending and crazy shit always happening at work and all...
Well in that precious time Mav and Worf and a few friends STEPPED IT UP and before long we had cabinets on the wall and new tile on the floor. The island and countertops were another matter and yes, I was stressed the fuck out over it, I even quit designing webs to help, but in the end it got done and we hosted both occasions in full capacity, just sort a few (still missing) finishing touches. Overall, it was a fucking miracle of a success.
Attendees of the fucking miracle of success Christams Eve were me and Mav of course, Dad his wife and grandma, Snart and Worf and MAVERICK'S DAUGHTER!!! Hard to believe, that, his daughter. We've been inviting her to "Our Chrsitmas" for seven years and she finally joined us. Free will is starting to be a part of her life it seems. We had a fairly jolly time, in hindsight it may have been the most important Christmas Eve of all.
Christmas day started before I really got up, set an alarm to have that intimate moment with a turkey before shoving it into the oven and going back to bed...attendees that day were me and Mav of course, Mom and mom's Bob, Snart and Worf and the boys. For me, the big event was based on a funny thing in our family: Brussel Sprouts. Shit here goes a story:
I HATE BRUSSEL SPROUTS!! With a passion, Satan's cabbage...hate them. Anyway, being a sentimental fuck, I invited mom to help me prepare the first Christmas dinner and while we were planning the menu she asked about vegetables. I said green beans, carrots, asparagus, I dont care but I'll tell you that NO BRUSSEL SPROUT WILL EVER COME INTO THIS HOUSE!! For what it's worth I seem to be the only one except my nephews (inspired by me) who hate brussel sprouts. I guess mom heard that line drawn in the sand plain and clear because...
My sister arrived with a very large present for me that she insisted was to be opened LAST and she needed to video tape the opening. Well when the time came I was faced with unwrapping box within a box within a box until the at least ten boxes resulted in a small jewelry sized box. I'll admit it, I was a bit excited and I don't really even care about jewelry. When I opened it, inside I found satan's jewels. A brussel sprout, decorated with sparkling stickers. She said "You said no brussel sprout would make it into this house and I had to prove you wrong."....and it's all on tape, or magnetic media or whatever...
Fucking sisters. It was hilarious. I still have satan's cabbage right here in front of me, wishing I knew how to preserve it into a Christmas ornament or something. Knowing satan's cabbage though, it will still be here looking just the same in six months when I can deal with it.
Christmas night, when everyone was gone and Mav and I had accomplished our goal we relaxed with a jigsaw puzzle (fucking dorks), happy not only with our accomplishment but that our family really LIKED the manifestation of our dreams, the design we decided on, and that IT WAS (mostly) DONE and life might soon be going back to normal.
The next day we went back to work, an easy short week, no one else was working, and Friday was upon us faster than ever and it was sweet. But Friday I got a call that changed the peace in our home. Grandma fell. Beloved, almost 92 year old Grandma fell and they think her hip is broken. My sister, always by grandma's side made the call and she was there with her even before the ambulance made it.
Now let me just tell you that I'm no good with trauma, I run, I hide. Deep down inside I knew that things were not good but I was safe at work where bad things don't happen to my family, bad things happen to the clients...but the text messages between Snart and I were like the CNN news ticker to me...she's in the ER...she's afraid...they've got her on morphine....they're taking XRays to see if it's broken....it's broken...she's really upset...she has to have surgery today...Dad's at work too but he's on his way now...
...and that's when I knew I had to be on my way too. It was blizzard day in Wisconsin, the 15 minute trip took me 40 even with four wheel drive. Dad and I arrived at the exact same time and together we found our way to her. She was the same as always, sorry to bother us from our important jobs but shit she's scared, thank God you came to relieve Snart of having to deal with her. Go get a soda Snart, go get something to eat she said.
While Snart was getting a nasty hospital (supposed to be soft but wasnt) pretzel they moved her upstairs and we learned that they couldn't do the surgery until the next day (Saturday) which turned out to be a good thing because we stayed with her until our obligations pulled us away and we were back the next day.
On morphine and scared but at peace with life my grandma wanted to talk, so we talked...about so many things and nothing at all. It was the same kind of time we'd always had...casual, no holds barred, let's make fart jokes, talk about sex, be vulgar, swear and laugh our asses off like we always do, except she was in pain. It was a great afternoon and not once did I wish I were somewhere else even though she told me I was excused to do what I had to do....I'm such a busy girl, so important, everyone needs me...I wasn't going ANYWHERE.
Her surgery was scheduled for 1:30 but was delayed. They told us an hour to 90 minutes, a mix up with the surgical instruments put grandma next in line. So Snart and I went down...it was my fault, I figured the gift shop was due to close and I wanted a word find puzzle book to work on during her surgery (run away, hide, don't acknowledge fear). I took off and Snart followed, we were goofing off looking at everything in the gift shop, stupid chicks with a few bucks to spend desperate for something to buy. They didnt have the puzzle book I wanted so we left with a deck of cards, we can play spades or poker or something. We were the last customers of the gift shop before it closed that day. Next we ventured off for a soda for her and a coffee for me.
Leaving the cafeteria we found Dad in the hall, desperately searching for us and he should have been up there with her, waiting. "They took her off to surgery, they just came in and said it's time let's go and they took her, but I told them that I had to find my daughters, her granddaugters, so we can all wish her good luck." and that's when the panic started.
NO. My possible good-bye to her could not be me slipping out undetected to find my own comfort thinking I had time to get back. Snart's possible good bye could not be wondering where Meka went and going to look for her. We were supposed to have time and that time was gone. We picked up every phone, talked to anyone who would listen, sure she was already sedated and prepped for surgery but we wouldn't stop until we knew.
I would have clawed out my own eyeballs and walked bloodly down the halls looking for someone's attention to help us find her, despite that, someone DID help and we found her. She was in the waiting area, not drugged more than before, just wearing a hairnet and she was happy to see us. We had a few minutes before it was all business with the sleepytime doctor. We did what we came to do, "Good luck Grandma, you'll be fine, we love you, see you soon honey" (dear beloved woman who shaped my life and helped to make me strong) and then we waited. And we didn't even play cards. Seemed wrong. I couldn't escape worry but I smoked a few cigarettes.
40 minutes later, just like the surgeon said, he emerged and told us that the hip replacement had gone well. Grandma needs about an hour in recovery and then we'll see her in her room. My need for the puzzles was relieved and we all started to breath and laugh again. Now just wait.
A few minutes later sleepytime doc was out there asking for us and when he asked us to come into the other room we knew it wasnt good.
Grandma died. Well, not quite when he told us, but she was near death and the only thing to keep her going was life support and she wore a bracelet that was against it. He offered us the choice to veto her choice, well dad could veto as he was power of attorney, but we respected her wishes and we were at her bedside as she faded away. The nurse that was there with us told us that before she was sedated she said she was ready to die so it was OK.
And there's been no fun since. The story continues, it goes on forever it seems but I've lost the strength to tell it. My sister is a wreck, I'm a wreck and she's where she wanted to be...with grandpa.
Perhaps later I'll enlighten you with the spiritual journey that I've been on, how the family has dealt with it, the funeral, the plan for the future, the hole in my heart....but for now just know that "Happy New Year" is not so happy.
As I write this I'm getting better...the distractions at work, the things people want me to do keep me too busy to think about anything too long and that's good. Busy, busy....too busy to feel anything. It's funny how distractions seem to work for a while but then, nights like last week Thursday, when I think I'm OK...I think of something and then I cry for hours on end. And for what it's worth, the people at work have been awesome, allowing me to do what I need to do to get through this. They didn't even call me retarded when what I needed was to carry on as if all was well and ignore my pain from 8 - 5.
Her "Shit" rock is in my purse. I intended to hold it to help me through the funeral right up until I walked in but I forgot when I realized where I was. Now it's in my purse and I see it when I'm digging for change or getting my keys or looking for a new pack of smokes and I smile. I remember that stupid rock, how it layed on her dresser for all those years, and it is SO sums up her reaction to bad times. Shit.
This is gonna kill Snart but I have to:
I saw you wrote this the other day but I knew what it would be about and I kind of avoided it. You are so right those songs killed me, the first one because she loved it so much and teh second because she did not. You remember on the trips grandpa would say time after time in his funny voice that was so funny. I want to seriously thank you and Mav for helping me, I am a mess and it does not seem to get better only worse. I wish I could just know she is happier and go on but I just cant seem to get past my selfish self of wanting her to here. I want to hear one more story I want one more hug I want so much and it is now out of my reach. I am so glad you can find some relief with busy work and I so wish I could do that too. Love you sister take care and please help me through our latest issue on the 22nd.
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