An article on MSN caught my attention this week:  Are Your Words Holding You Back?

After reading it I was stunned because for the most part, they have described me to a tee and I decided that I do need to change...back.

There was a time not so long ago, since this blog has been online, that I carried myself with confidence and courage.  At that time I worked in a group in which women held the majority.  We all held our own specialized knowledge, we each had strengths and weaknesses and we all knew it and acknowledged it.  Sounds like heaven, right?  Wrong, in fact it was kind of hell.  You see, my technical ability and knowledge aside, my confident presence was viewed by some as cocky and pushy, some people didn't like me for that.  I was convinced that I shouldn't have to change, so I didn't and eventually I left and I took my confidence with me.  Suck on that!

I'm sure that confidence was a big part of what landed me the new job, the job I hold now.  The climate at the new place is a little different.  True, I still hold a unique set of skills that make me valueable to the organization, but my peers are ALSO quite confident and knowledgeable, and men. 

It's rude to say that the people I work with now are much smarter than the ones I worked with before, but it's true, at least in the field I'm in.  I'm finally on a level playing field as far as technical ability goes.  They're quite aggressive in exerting their ideas, and I don't mean to make that sound bad, but again, it's true.  When so and so talks, people listen.  I on the other hand am confident and courageous, but much less aggressive.  I'm unlikely to inject a new and refreshing idea, a GOOD idea, especially in a large group because with these guys the ideas are picked apart and analyzed throughly as they should be.  When an idea strikes me and I vocalize it, I probably haven't put the time into thinking it out from every angle, but it's an idea, like brainstorming... and I suppose I should be glad that my ideas have been given enough credit to be picked apart, but sadly for me, it feels like a personal attack.  And it shouldn't.  I know that, my confidence has been undermined BY ME! 

That's not to say that every idea I come up with is broken down to the point that they're discounted, that's not the case at all.  A few weeks ago there was a meeting about how to approach the design of a new project that's coming up and in the middle of the brainstorming I proposed an idea that was so dead on right that it was quietly contemplated for a few minutes and then was immediately accepted as the right way to go.  It happens that the company owner was in that meeting, so my brilliant moment was extra special to me.  And that wasn't the last brillant moment I've had since then.

I know that I'm a smart little chicky, they know it, and I can't let myself feel intimidated.  Just like the other times, we all have different specialities, backgrounds, training and just because I don't know all they know, I can't let myself be beaten up by that.  I have to keep reminding myself that there are things I know that they don't.  I have to remind myself there are some who have ambitions that drive them to do things that I don't want to do, some who want their career to be the biggest and best thing they ever did.  I'm not like that.  Still, I'm a reliable resource for answers to questions that come up quite frequently about how to approach problems we find and my answers are respected and applied. 

So why am I letting myself feel and appear weak and fragile when I'm not?  As soon as I can answer that, things will be much better for me.  I'm not afraid of being wrong.

I read the article on Thursday and Friday I started applying my change back to confident Meka.  Funny thing is that Friday's horoscope suggested that it'd be wise for me to withhold my inner thoughts for the day, to not speak what came to mind, just for a day.  I ignored it and the day was fine.

These insecure feelings about my place in the food chain have been causing me quite a bit of extra stress lately and I have to find a way to let it go.  Fortunately I had lunch with a friend on Friday who I feel safe with, and I shared some of my insecurities about work with him.  He shared with me his perspective and after that I felt like I was probably over thinking things and probably bringing the stress onto myself for no valid reason.  Stupid sensitive freakazoid I am.  He agreed with me that they climate was a little weird around the office lately and he didn't know why either.  That made me feel much better AND a little self interested, how stupid of me to assume it was all about me. 

Here's where I'm at:  I have to get rid of this bug that has me analyzing every word, every jesture looking for reasons to run away again.  The truth is, even if I'm right (and he says I'm not) there's nothing I can do to change it so why do I worry about it?  To protect my reputation, my record?  If I keep on like this I could think myself into leaving a perfectly good job for another that may not be so good.  Worse, I could let my feelings and actions turn people into thinking and acting the way I'm expecting and then...who knows what?  I can't control the future (damn it!).  Walking around on eggshells is not good for me and I can't keep it up for too long, so I'm going to stop and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm also going to stop letting my immediate supervisor know that I've been tired every day.  I don't want anyone to assume that I've been neglecting my rest while I build my personal empire every night.  First of all, it's not true, I've been getting some rest but I'm still tired, and second, if I were told even casually to choose between my personal goals and my job I would get pretty pissed off.   

So there.  A new dawn. Well, not a new dawn, rather an old familiar dawn that I'd like to see again.  Wish me luck.