Don't even bother reading this until you watch this:

Hello me...meet the real me.
And my misfits way of life.
A dark black past is my
Most valued possession.
Hindsight is always 20-20,
But looking back its still a bit fuzzy.
Speak of mutually assured destruction?
Nice story...tell it to readers digest!!!

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxietys attacking me, and
My air is getting thin.
Im in trouble for the things
I havent got to yet.
Im chomping at the bit, and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.

Hello me...its me again.
You can subdue, but never tame me.
It gives me a migraine headache
Thinking down to your level.
Yea, just keep on thinking its my fault
And stay an inch or two outta kicking distance.
Mankind has got to know
His limitations.

Feeling claustrophobic,
Like the walls are closing in.
Blood stains on my hands and
I dont know where Ive been.
Im in trouble for the things
I havent got to yet.
Im sharpening the axe and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.

Well, me...its nice talking to myself,
A credit to dementia.
Some day you too will know my pain,
And smile its blacktooth grin.
If the war inside my head
Wont take a day off Ill be dead.
My icy fingers claw your back,
Here I come again.

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxietys attacking me
And my air is getting thin
Feeling claustrophobic,
Like the walls are closing in.
Blood stains on my hands and
I dont know where Ive been
Once you committed me
Now youve acquitted me
Claiming validity
For your stupidity
Im chomping at the bit
Im sharpening the axe
Here I come again, whoa!
Sweating bullets

 

OK, now it's me and now I hope you'll understand maybe just a little bit.  I've always admitted this one as one of my theme songs but now it rings truer than ever.

The only place I'm confident at the moment is at home with my beloved and here in my anonymous world of web design.  LOL, am I a hermit or am I crazy?

So yeah, my survival as I know it is mostly dependant upon my fulltime job, and it's always been known that I will do what it takes to sustain how far we've come, I'll never go back...never. 

I've been tuned into a signal for a good two weeks now, a signal of disappointment, like maybe my time has run out and when I think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, there's nothing that I've done to deserve such feelings...and yet I feel like I'm skating on thin ice.

Enter paranoia....I've NEVER been fired.  Ever.  I've never been dumped.  I've never felt like I was gonna be fired and so I guess a part of me is looking around a bit to see what else is out there.  To dump before being dumped.  Why do I feel like this?

A month ago, maybe six weeks ago I went along as the web (not on my resume but relevant through personal growth) expert on a client visit to a pretty rich client.  I was uncomfortable but I did my thing, you know, turn them on with my technical skills and I felt pretty good about the whole encounter.  Whatever.  So a few days later I was told that when I have an appointment with a client I need to step it up with the wardrobe.  Look more professional.

OK, so let's not even DISCUSS how I own business outfits that would make a CEO sign over his life savings for the chance to see what I was wearing under it.  I KNOW how to dress...the problem is that I'm quite a bit overweight right now AND I'm pretty ashamed of it so yeah, I don't wear form fitting clothes right now.  That's my problem, so in response to the criticism I said OK.

In hindsight of that encounter, the men were dressed much more casually than I was, the saleslady who is less than discreet with her obesity was wearing a form fitting outfit that showed all of her nights with a bucket of KFC. I've been to plenty of client visits before with no critique.  I assumed the comments came from her dislike of my casual style that made its' way up the food chain and down to me.

Friday I had another meeting with one of her clients.

Thursday night I drove home in high anxiety.  I was very aware of how stupid it was for me to be so worried about what I was going to wear Friday, but worried I was.  You see if she'd complained about my outfit with the last client and it had made its way to the top and back down to me, I assumed that it was important enough to pass on.

When I got home I went through my clothes...oh MAN I could make their pants dance with THIS one but I cant wear that now.  I settled on a pant suit that was cute but not too form fitting.  And on casual Friday I waltzed in with my "RESPECT ME and here's my tits to look at" suit on.

I was the best dressed one at the party.  OVER DRESSED.  Ms. Tight Clothes was wearing a too tight for her sweater and pants showing all her rolls, my male counterparts weren't even wearing ties...  For what it's worth everyone in the office said I looked very nice, beautiful even, but I still felt like a dancing monkey, I felt artificial.  Just click the fucking link.

It's funny, the weirdest thing happened before the meeting.  The company owner saw me and he said "Look who's all dressed up!  What is it, an interview?  Isn't it Fridays at lunch that's good for interviews?"  and on my way out of the building to grab lunch I said "Yep, Friday at lunch!".  I was back 15 minutes later but he didn't see me...  If he had I would have told him I didn't have enough baggers experience to get a job at the Pick N Save.  Joke was lost on him but perhaps he left work that day thinking I was out for another job.

It's like me, say I look nice today and I assume that you think I look like shit every other day.  I don't take compliments well unless they're about things less superficial, like my technical SKILLZ or my super human powers.  LOL   Anyway, back to my story... 

We took off for the meeting and again, the people we were meeting with were all in jeans and sweatshirts.  I was jealous.  The meeting went on forever and we were back to city at 6:30, the drive home yet another reminder of how I don't fit in with the young cut throats and ambitious.  I reviewed the whole 90 minute drive in my head before stopping to get dinner at a place that had a 40 minute wait on the drive thru, went in, after 11 hours the cute little PAINFUL shoes were harder than ever to walk in and I stood there for 30 minutes waiting for food. 

Damn it I was pissed and tired but at least I had a turtle sundae.  So much for the cute little business suits.

So now, I'm assuming she was happy with my appearance but now the owner thinks I'm interviewing....and I still can't relate to the superficial ways of those who "command" me...I'm still a bit odd despite my monkey suit and relevant contributions. 

Lesson learned:  Play the game all you want but some people just aren't built to be full of shit.  In other words...I'm fucked. 

For Gary:

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