I'm not myself.  I haven't been.  All this time dealing with the house stuff, the highs and lows around that, shit it's really the only thing on my mind lately.  Mom and I talked about this the other day...how some have said we're lucky to have so much interest in our home with the market being as it is.  I don't really know if it's luck because if you compare the highs to the lows it's pretty much even.  Or at least it was before last week.  Since last week it's pretty much been lows.  We as a family believe in karma (way before the My Name is Earl thing).  If karma is real there are some bright days that lie ahead.

I still can't really discuss online exactly what happened last week but maybe I don't have to for you to understand this post.  What happened didn't affect me personally as much as it must have affected other humans, my damage was different.  Preferable.  If given a choice I'd rather deal with the effects of last week from the perspective God chose to give me rather than some of the other available perspectives.  I was however, affected.  Affected more than I was expecting.  Things are getting better but I miss the innocence and comfort that I lost. 

I blame last week for the "way I am" right now.  Seeking shelter.  Seeking safety.  Hoping for someone to renew my faith in humanity.  Desperate for the days to end so I can be held by Mav.  Things, little bumps in the road, things we all deal with are nearly catastrophic to me since last week.  All day wanting to laugh and smile and goof off as usual but the things on my mind keep me from enjoying the day. 

Yesterday I was given some bad news relative to our little "moving on" project.  A door I wanted to walk through closed on me.  As I held back the tears I  doubted the entire project.  I was panicked, irrational, questioning everything I've done in the past two years.  Inside I knew that all I had to do was get up, brush myself off and knock on another door and yet for some reason all I really wanted to do was wallow in my own sorrows, for a minute I even wanted to quit.  THAT'S NOT ME. 

I fight.  I don't take no for an answer.  I'm calm and confident and I'm smart enough to know my place in the grand scheme of things.  Somewhere between a Rockefeller and poor white trash.  I knew all these things and Good Meka was telling Weak Meka what to do, how to solve the problem that really wasn't a problem.  Weak Meka said "Yeah I know but just let me have tonight.".  So she had last night.  One night off.  One night where my spirit was allowed to be weak.  One night to eat noodles in my PJs watching tv and not thinking.  One night to take Tylenol PM and sleep through the night, all the way through.  In fairness to the truth there have been about three nights like that since last week.

But today was a different day.  I DECIDED to not think about it.  I DECIDED to "make my calls" while I smoked my beloved cigarettes on breaks.  I DECIDED that this time I would have things my way.  And I did. 

At lunch my boss, a co-worker and I were desperate for a topic to discuss that didn't involve work so I confessed all that was haunting me.  All of THIS.  How ashamed I am of myself for finding and reaching my breaking point.  How angry I am about being so weak right now.  How I know that it has everything to do with how out of my control a lot of things are right now and how as a control freak I can't stand it.   At first they were deeply concerned, suggested I seek console.  Suggested that maybe just maybe it's finally time this raw spirit gets medicated.  My boss asked me if I thought I was depressed and I said I don't know.  He said that means I am.   

NO.  I'm STRONGER than that, I don't need drugs to balance me out.  I need to get back to my zone where everything is as Mav and I want it.  I need to get away from the uncertainty, the horrors, the memories and move onto that oasis I've been waiting for.  I don't know when it will happen, I don't know how we'll get there but we WILL get there and until we do I will stand and FIGHT.  I just really need it to happen soon.  Impatient control freak, what a mess I am.  The good news is, I don't fight alone, there are more in my corner than there are fighting me. 

By the time we got back to the office the boss was convinced I don't need to be sedated, that I'm just hyper-stressed right now.  He told me that I am going to be ok because I have so many around me who care about me and who will support me through this.  By the time we got back to the office I wanted to drop to the floor and kiss the ground that is my job right now for not being the stress factor in my life, I wanted to thank each co-worker for "putting up with me" and for letting me know that they care about me.  I reflected on what a mess I'd be going through "all of this" if I hadn't left my old job when I did.  Cindy Brady would be LOVING watching me fall apart right in front of her eyes. 

It being Election Day, the issues were a hot topic all day.  A woman who I know for sure is not of my political standing but who I'm sure assumes I am told me she wasn't sure about the Death Penalty vote we in Wisconsin were being faced with today.   She said that she believes in the Death Penalty (which surprised me) but she knew that as a person she wasn't capable of administering it, she couldn't pull the switch.  She felt that since she felt she couldn't do it herself it wouldn't be right of her to ask someone else to do it.  I said "I'm sure you wouldn't be able to put on some cami's, grab a gun and go defend our freedom either, but fortunately there are those who are willing and able to do it.".  She looked at me for a while (surprised at my insight I assume) then said I made a good point and thanked me.  I hope I helped her make a decision rather than leave that question unanswered in her vote as she was planning to do.

I told her I found it ironic that opinions on the issue are so divided, yet we as a people cheer inside when we hear that Saddam was sentenced to die this week.  Justice for those he tortured, murdered and the families who lived under his tyranny.   Is ok as long as it's not HERE?  Don't get me started.

In a way, voting today, hand in hand with my beloved husband of like views gave me a teenie tiny taste of that control I love so much.  I know, I know...I don't have THAT much control but just let me have this one, ok?? 

So that's a day.  That's a post.  I know that I've been MIA for a while and I'd apologize if I thought anyone were really truly devastated by my absence, but I don't so I won't.   This blog thing was and always will be for me, and at times like these I'm glad to have the outlet.   Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and don't worry, I will survive.

Time Warp.  What could it possibly be?  Oh I was really pissed because that hurricane blew through my vacation in Cancun plans.  Huh.  It's funny how insignificant that seems now. 

it's definately not depression
considering what happened, it's just gonna take some time to get over that, well not over it, but past it.

anyway...on a lighter note

We had an easy vote here, we had no issues this time which kind of made it sucky, but I did my duty.

Hubby had the night off so he got Olive Garden for us and brought it home. I had Chicken Roma again.
OMG it's delicious.
Now I have lunch for tomorrow too!!
lol

keep your head up
email me whenever you feel like it
I miss you when you don't post!!

I as your sister do know what you were speaking of I do not know however what bump you ran into. Whatever it is I know you can make it over the hump. Use the depression the feelings of fear be your fuel to pump you up and get it done. You deserve to be able to go home and relax and feel safe. If you do not feel safe in your own home that is hell. Stress runs in the family but so does strong women who when things seem like hell we find a way to find some water to put it out. Life can throw you down and even kick dirt in your face but the truth is as long as you can look up then you can get back up dust yourself off and push on. Im here if you need to chat.

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