Yes, it's true.  I'm posting again.  Don't get too comfortable, I don't know when it'll happen again.  In fact I reserve the right to completely disappear at any time.  Based on the last post, you know that I'm contemplating possibly taking this bitch down, but if there's ONE THING I cannot do it's make a decision.

Anyway...to the point.  I hate computers today...well that's not fair...I hate software today.  We in IT say a computer doesn't do anything that you don't ask it to.  That's why when you say you have a problem...in some way...you're obviously to blame. 

   What did you do NOW??  lol

I know, I know, you don't ask for viruses but you ALLOW them by not taking the necessary precautions and tempering your curiosity...your computer fries during a lightening storm because you can't get your ass off of eBay when it makes sense to just unplug for the safety of your hardware.

Well...OK, so I asked a bit of software to do something for me this weekend while I was home weathering the storm and let's just say there were unexpected, undesired effects.  In short, I had to do something that we in IT hate:  RESTORE FROM BACKUP.

And, no pun intended...there was a "Perfect Storm" of failures with the backups...specifically I was too damned busy last week to realize that the space I use for backing shit up ran out of room on Wednesday.

In other words, I'm pretty fucked. 

Worse still is that this event is isolated to perhaps the least reasonable (but getting better) person in the whole group.  Crap.  Shit.  Damn it, this ain't gonna be good. 

If you take a deep breath and sit back with a rational view of the overall, it really ain't that bad...and no one would challenge that I gave my all and then some last week...and then I took a day off to recover from the craziness of the past few weeks.  If only I'd pushed on instead of taking a break I would have SEEN that!

Let's face it, a ball dropped...a BAD ball, if I were perfect, or better yet a workaholic...I wouldn't be in this prediciment.  But I'm not and the whole day has sucked as a result.  Notice how the ME in team is feeling this blow like a muthafucka?

No one "came down on me" but the pressure was there and the accountable part of my personality took a big hit, the dread I felt was mostly self induced.  The restore is still going on, there will be a damage report in the morning, and I have an educated estimate of what that report will be but until the process completes there really isn't a way to know for sure.  Perhaps the gremlins will find a way to save my ass on this one (crossed fingers), but I'm prepared for a bit of a shit storm tomorrow.

Fuck.

Dear YOU:  Late today when you said "What can you do?" on a completely unrelated topic and I said "Bury your head in the sand and wake up to another day." that was more about my crisis than yours...sorry. 

Every story is supposed to have a happy ending, and this one does...at least for today.  Here goes:

So I get home and Mav is fully engaged in Moppin' Monday which was really needed after last weekend.  I don't know why it is but every time something doesn't go right and I pull into the driveway feeling like shit that man has a way of making it OK again.  No, it wasn't a brilliant idea on how I could make a failed backup materialize out of nowhere, but it was good enough to make the stress dissolve, at least until tomorrow.

I walked into that same scene I never wanted to leave in the first place:  That man who loves me despite all of my failures in our little oasis out here in the sticks, he's been blasting those tunes we love and he's been waiting with a nice long hug and a kiss.  And he's not even going to get mad that I REALLY need to bury my head in the sand tonight and I can't bring myself to do something productive.  I don't even have to make a dinner that my anxiety won't let me eat, he'll survive on Frosted Flakes tonight.  I'm free to treat my anxiety with a few Miller Lites and way too many cigarettes.

Jesus, does it get better than that?  Probably not, I don't think so and I'm not even going to waste my time thinking of it. 

For those who don't know our state took a BIG hit this weekend in the form of storms, lots of people with bigger problems than mine today.  A LOT of water, tornados, the whole nine.  Shit, four people's houses floated away, gone forever, people are HOMELESS because God decided it to be so...I keep that in mind, if I'm nothing else I AM aware that my suffering is usually less significant than that of others.  All things being equal, my concerns are pretty fucking weak and easily remedied with sacrifice. 

We got a little water in our basement, water running down the walls because a window well filled up, but it was OK because it probably destroyed some wood paneling that we planned to take out anyway and the water didn't stand because it ran right into the sump pump with a little help from Mav.

I had my beak just barely into the sand on the way home when I noticed a billboard to tour Michigan that showed a nice waterfall.  How unfortunate for Michigan I thought....the LAST thing people around here want to see for a while is water. 

This is equilibrium...kind of like how "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" played on the radio last week just after I was the meat in a car accident sandwich (rear ender and rear-ended) but me and every one else and our cars were OK.  The universe has a way of making things funny and if you listen you'll hear it. 

Here's my contribution to the universe:

In defense of that problem I faced today and will continue to face tomorrow:

But don't cry for me.

The truth is...I'm a little Milton.  In all of my 14 years of work in IT...I've fucked up more than once and I've survived both of them.  Just kidding...were you paying attention? 

I'll survive this one too, I will.  The problem is, everytime I get caught with my pants down I expect to be fucked, so I worry.  In a week it may be a small blemish on an otherwise impressive record...if a tornado woulda took us out I coulda got us back to Wednesday afterall, and that's pretty fucking good, right?  Yes...it is.

...and the one I'll probably need to get to work in the morning...  just click it, for me, I don't ask for much.  Embedding was disabled.

OK, it doesn't get much more real than this folks.  Pay attention.

I haven't posted to this blog in quite a while.  Half of the reason is that I've been pretty damn busy with everything, the other half is that I've been considering taking this thing offline.  It's been four years...four years.

Busy is good, it keeps you too busy to think about stuff.  I can't say that I don't LIKE thinking, that I don't cherish having an opinion on life and how life feels to me.  It's that very thing that has forced me to keep a diary, a journal, a blog for all these years, and to look back on them later and laugh.  I can't tell you that my opinion on life has gone away, it just comes out in 10 minute spurts now.

Despite my perceived "openness in real life", in person among people I like, there is MUCH more to me shared only with people I TRUST which is a much shorter list.  This part of me has unpopular opinions, a part that is angry, jealous, stupid, judgemental and downright wrong at times but willing to admit it. I've been sharing this part of me in this blog.  The funny stuff, the childish stuff, the dark sides that I'd prefer to keep to myself but cannot seem to...  It's a part of me that has to go somewhere, else I'd explode.  For me, it was the writing that released it all and made me feel better. 

All along I've been hiding behind my "handle" taking so much care to not reveal a link to my blog associated to my real name to search engines.  Part of that is due to my experience with unwelcome appreciation from the web, momma's basement livin' jerk offs on my doorstep that found me because of my openness.  Thankfully I've never been hurt by the web, only inconvenienced, annoyed.  A larger part of it though is my fear that one day my inner thoughts and opinions would be discovered by those who employ me.  That the "True Me" would be found online and found to be unacceptable and that my cherished career would be ruined as a result.  A classic paranoid theorist, my biggest fear has been that I'd be deuced for revealing my inner thoughts and feelings.  That's right folks, I'm paranoid and insecure.  I hide the "real me" from most everyone and it is fucking exhausting.  That's why I need you.

For some reason I've decided to hide the fact that I DON'T like everyone, despite the way I act.  I've decided to mask my political opinions, my feelings on virtually everything that could be controversial, all in the name of being favorable to everyone but mostly to those who sign the checks for the work I do.  Now THAT'S fucked up!

In a perfect world I should be free to have ideas, moods, opinions and to not like everyone.  The problem is that things go from light to dark very easily for me, I can be sweeter than peach cobbler one minute and mean and cruel in the next based on what people give me.  Personally, I LIKE that part of me, anger motivates me, but I am painfully aware of the fact that my words have a lasting effect and people I really truly like are hurt in the wake of my moods, so I shut up.  The interpersonal relationships are one thing but career wise, the wrong words, the wrong look, the wrong mood can have an effect that lasts beyond the time it takes for me to get through my temper tantrum.  Truth is, most times when people REALLY piss me off they have no idea and I vent about it to others.  If only I were stronger, more confident in standing up for myself when I've been wronged, more like a man, this would not be an issue.

I'm trying, people.  I'm still pretty sweet, people are still mistaking me for being too nice when in fact I am great at bottling shit up.  But this year I have flat out told some people what pisses me off about them, really truly, deep in my dark little heart HOPING to shed some light on some places for them to improve.  If you can find a way for me to be better (except for the being late thing) please tell me and I'll work on it as long as it doesn't violate my perception of myself. 

In the midst of that, it only occurred to me this year that no one really gives a fuck and it made me feel stupid for being so self involved.  It occurred to me that the friendships that I hold, or claim to hold, come from fun times TOGETHER and not vicariously. No one gives a fuck that I am having a blast listening to old Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jams tunes right now, and that I send them links to the videos in email hoping they have as much fun as I did with them. 

The truth is I wish we were here together, I'd dance stupid for you, or sing cracking high notes for you when I know I can't...just for a laugh...because we all need a laugh and I'll be your jester when you need me.  When I sent the long emails that drifted off into random thoughts of my mind, know that I did it because I was thinking of you, because I miss you and I wished I'd been able to talk to you face to face.  I send the emails because I care, I love you my friends, I do...but it would be MORE fun of we were all here Lost in the Ocean...we're all so busy or interested in things that make us anti-social...we forget to take time for being the fucking monkeys we are.  I don't want my favorite friend to be the internet and I hope you don't either.

This blog has been in part a release mechanism for me to get some shit off my chest and at other times a way to try and connect with my friends.  I'm afraid of what getting shit off my chest online could do to me and I'm learning that I need more time with friends or to stop thinking that I have any at all.  In other words, this may need to stop.

So in conclusion, I wish I could tell you that I've decided that the fears I have about my blog, about expressing the "real me" have been found to be pure bullshit....that I'm a strong woman, that I don't CARE what anyone who happens acrossed this place thinks of me.  As Meka would say, "DEAL with it mutha fucka".  That's the woman I am and wish I could be all the time...the truth is I cherish my career and I will fight to protect it, even if that means I have to spend a third of my life being a generic person.  I hate myself for it, but survival is survival. 

As for the friends, we need to figure out what we mean to each other and deal with it, stop being so distant or call it a good story.  My heart tells me to pull you closer but my non-working schedule is too impromptu to make plans.  The old Meka is gone.  The new Meka will party her ass off on the weekends as easily as she'll dig into a web design project and work until the sun comes up.  For the record I can't be "turned on" to the goofball you know and love when you want me to be that way.  Depending on what mode I'm in, this song could be the beginning of a wild and crazy night as much as it could be a good toe tapper for working.  When the mood strikes me I'll try let you know that I have a wild hair up my ass, but it cant be scheduled.

Happy Valentines Day!

The love affair I've been enjoying with Maverick reached a whole new plateau on Friday.  You see, every day of the week for nearly seven years now, every minute I'm away from him I wish we were together.  There's never a time in my life that I'd rather he weren't there.

But this past Friday that longing transformed a bit to longing for what he'd play if we were doing "our thing" which I apologize Dippy, is much different than "our thing (me and Dippy)" .  "Our thing", me and Maverick, is HIM in control of the playlist (eeeek!  Eeee-Gawd even!!). 

It's the time that we share together when he's not concerned about what "they" would want to hear, it's just us and we can be we.  He plays the music that is warmly familiar to the two of us for our age.  It's not all about the time we've been together, it's about being music lovers from the 70's, 80's, 90's the 2000's.  It's about loving music together.  There are times that he'll throw in some shit I never heard before, or that I'm not so passionate about but it's clear to me that he loves it and so I enjoy him enjoying it and it goes vice versa with the requests. 

It's that time we have together that's important, it's important to me, I've started to crave the sound of it and it sounds like this:

...and that was always a great song but then he plays....

...and for some dumb reason, even though I don't find Billy Squire sexually attractive that song does something to me.

Now THIS song...came out way before Mav and I started but on a trip to the northern woods to camp together we learned that both of us loved Roxette.  This one is important to me.

..and then I say "Ooooh baby will you play....."

...and he does, and follows with, for good measure:

And to make fun of me and my Billy Ocean thing he follows up with something like:

but it's all good cuz I like that song too!  As long as at the end of the day we both agree that this band is awesome....it's fine.

This post is about the bathroom at work.  The PUBLIC bathroom.

OK, first let me start by explaining that I work in building that houses a number of businesses.  We have a unisex bathroom in our suite, but the echo power in that room is AMAZING!  From any number of desks you can hear everything from the faintest tinkle to full on agonizing ass explosions. 

I have this thing about people I work with hearing me go.  Let's just say I don't always know what's gonna happen and I don't want my co-workers to hear the soundtrack, so I use the "building" public bathroom unless there is no one else around. 

The public bathroom pisses me off BIGTIME, it brings out the rage in me.  It makes me angry at any random chick that I don't know, because the ladies I work with would never do the things that are done in this room.  At times I've been inspired to write a few passive aggressive notes of my own (but I haven't).

Fellas, I hate to tell you, but some women, a LOT of women are disgusting pigs.  It's not just the building I work in, it's pretty much any bathroom that a lot of women use at once.  Sporting events, concerts, fairs, malls, all very very gross. 

In our little public bathroom at work so many things have angered me over the years:  Women piss on the seats, not very skilled squatters, but the ironic thing is that the stalls have the paper seat covers, so why do you even need to try and squat?  Women shit and don't flush...and it's not one of those that comes back...they just don't even flush.  Afraid of touching the handle?  Use your foot, I've done it!  Grrrr....  They...God I'm embarrased to say it for them...but I must...they leave blood on the seat, on the floor, on the stall walls....  I don't even know how unless it's intentional.  One day I went in there are there was "a fluid" all over the floor surrounding the toilet.  I tried to think that it was snow melting off the chick's shoes, but the color was the kind of snow you don't eat.  Another time I was welcomed by the toilet and surrounding floor and walls covered in vomit.  Oh, and she didn't flush. 

There are a few stalls, 6 or 7 I guess, and I've been in there day after day, opening this stall to see some horrible mess, move onto the next, another mess...and don't think I'm not in there saying out loud "Ew, you nasty bitch!", "Oh my God who RAISED you?", "This is SICK!" until I find a clean one.

And at the root of my anger is knowing that someone has to clean that up.  I've seen the cleaning people, they're there twice a day.  TWICE A DAY!  I know their faces...how can people be so disrespectful, so rude, so self centered, so NASTY? 

It pisses me off. 

Today something interesting happened in there.  I walked into the most ghastly cloud of ass funk I've smelled in a while.  No matter...whatever, it IS a bathroom afterall.  I plunked down at my "usual" stall and the woman in the stall next to me started up a conversation.  WTF?? 

"Have you ever smelled a more horrible smell?" she said.  "No, it's pretty bad.".  "I think these toilets are messed up, I think there's a backup some where, this is awful.".  "Yeah it's pretty bad." (but it IS after lunch) I thought of adding.  "It seems to be getting worse every day" she said, I replied with "Uh huh", in other words, I'm here to do something and talking isn't it.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm OK chatting from behind the stall door with people I know, fine...but I don't like talking to strangers.  And I HATE when people talk on their cell phones in the bathroom.  That's just gross.  I only do it (at home) when I don't have a choice, usually when I'm talking to someone who won't stop talking long enough to let me say I need a break and I'll call back.  You know who you are.

Anyway, back to chatty patty...I was pretty sure that SHE was responsible for the funk in the room and she didn't want me to know it so she came up with a ruse to try and distract me.  Interesting tactic.     But no need to defend her offense because I didn't intend to call her out on it.  I save that for family. 

It's funny, public bathrooms...I mean it happens, right?  Bomb dropping, we all do it, you'd get sick if you didn't.  I'm not sure which is worse, the smells or the sounds.  I laugh when I hear noises...but I have the 12 year old's sense of humor.  But in a public bathroom it's like you're there, someone does that, a sound or a smell or worse yet, you do, and it seems like you have to wait for a full evacuation before leaving because you don't want people to associate a face with the sound or the smell.  LOL...so funny.  People are waiting outside the bathroom, in a group, waiting to point and say "That's her, she's the one who dropped ass!".  I'd like to think I'd say, "Yeah I shit, so what, like you don't?" but I think I'd be mortified.

Damn now I'm typing about fart sounds and laughing, the anger is gone.  Let me end with this:  Women are NASTY and I hate them for it.

I havent been around here in a WHILE and there are good reasons.  Here we go:

Christmas was fast approaching and we were on the schedule to host both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in our fabulously remodeled new home.  At Thanksgiving we didnt have a kitchen but rather a big empty room with a naked but painted walls and a few pipes sticking out of the floor.  No cabinets, no floor, no SINK and I'll admit I was on the verge of going fucking ape shit because the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is always a haze to me, what with the year ending and crazy shit always happening at work and all...

Well in that precious time Mav and Worf and a few friends STEPPED IT UP and before long we had cabinets on the wall and new tile on the floor.  The island and countertops were another matter and yes, I was stressed the fuck out over it, I even quit designing webs to help, but in the end it got done and we hosted both occasions in full capacity, just sort a few (still missing) finishing touches.  Overall, it was a fucking miracle of a success.

Attendees of the fucking miracle of success Christams Eve were me and Mav of course, Dad his wife and grandma, Snart and Worf and MAVERICK'S DAUGHTER!!!  Hard to believe, that, his daughter.  We've been inviting her to "Our Chrsitmas" for seven years and she finally joined us.  Free will is starting to be a part of her life it seems.  We had a fairly jolly time, in hindsight it may have been the most important Christmas Eve of all.

Christmas day started before I really got up, set an alarm to have that intimate moment with a turkey before shoving it into the oven and going back to bed...attendees that day were me and Mav of course, Mom and mom's Bob, Snart and Worf and the boys.  For me, the big event was based on a funny thing in our family:  Brussel Sprouts.  Shit here goes a story:

I HATE BRUSSEL SPROUTS!!  With a passion, Satan's cabbage...hate them.  Anyway, being a sentimental fuck, I invited mom to help me prepare the first Christmas dinner and while we were planning the menu she asked about vegetables.  I said green beans, carrots, asparagus, I dont care but I'll tell you that NO BRUSSEL SPROUT WILL EVER COME INTO THIS HOUSE!!  For what it's worth I seem to be the only one except my nephews (inspired by me) who hate brussel sprouts.  I guess mom heard that line drawn in the sand plain and clear because...

My sister arrived with a very large present for me that she insisted was to be opened LAST and she needed to video tape the opening.  Well when the time came I was faced with unwrapping box within a box within a box until the at least ten boxes resulted in a small jewelry sized box.  I'll admit it, I was a bit excited and I don't really even care about jewelry.  When I opened it, inside I found satan's jewels.  A brussel sprout, decorated with sparkling stickers.  She said "You said no brussel sprout would make it into this house and I had to prove you wrong."....and it's all on tape, or magnetic media or whatever...

Fucking sisters.  It was hilarious.  I still have satan's cabbage right here in front of me, wishing I knew how to preserve it into a Christmas ornament or something.  Knowing satan's cabbage though, it will still be here looking just the same in six months when I can deal with it.

Christmas night, when everyone was gone and Mav and I had accomplished our goal we relaxed with a jigsaw puzzle (fucking dorks), happy not only with our accomplishment but that our family really LIKED the manifestation of our dreams, the design we decided on, and that IT WAS (mostly) DONE and life might soon be going back to normal.

The next day we went back to work, an easy short week, no one else was working, and Friday was upon us faster than ever and it was sweet.  But Friday I got a call that changed the peace in our home.  Grandma fell.  Beloved, almost 92 year old Grandma fell and they think her hip is broken.  My sister, always by grandma's side made the call and she was there with her even before the ambulance made it.

Now let me just tell you that I'm no good with trauma, I run, I hide.  Deep down inside I knew that things were not good but I was safe at work where bad things don't happen to my family, bad things happen to the clients...but the text messages between Snart and I were like the CNN news ticker to me...she's in the ER...she's afraid...they've got her on morphine....they're taking XRays to see if it's broken....it's broken...she's really upset...she has to have surgery today...Dad's at work too but he's on his way now...

...and that's when I knew I had to be on my way too.  It was blizzard day in Wisconsin, the 15 minute trip took me 40 even with four wheel drive.  Dad and I arrived at the exact same time and together we found our way to her.  She was the same as always, sorry to bother us from our important jobs but shit she's scared, thank God you came to relieve Snart of having to deal with her.  Go get a soda Snart, go get something to eat she said.

While Snart was getting a nasty hospital (supposed to be soft but wasnt) pretzel they moved her upstairs and we learned that they couldn't do the surgery until the next day (Saturday) which turned out to be a good thing because we stayed with her until our obligations pulled us away and we were back the next day.

On morphine and scared but at peace with life my grandma wanted to talk, so we talked...about so many things and nothing at all.  It was the same kind of time we'd always had...casual, no holds barred, let's make fart jokes, talk about sex, be vulgar, swear and laugh our asses off like we always do, except she was in pain.  It was a great afternoon and not once did I wish I were somewhere else even though she told me I was excused to do what I had to do....I'm such a busy girl, so important, everyone needs me...I wasn't going ANYWHERE.

Her surgery was scheduled for 1:30 but was delayed.  They told us an hour to 90 minutes, a mix up with the surgical instruments put grandma next in line.  So Snart and I went down...it was my fault, I figured the gift shop was due to close and I wanted a word find puzzle book to work on during her surgery (run away, hide, don't acknowledge fear).  I took off and Snart followed, we were goofing off looking at everything in the gift shop, stupid chicks with a few bucks to spend desperate for something to buy.  They didnt have the puzzle book I wanted so we left with a deck of cards, we can play spades or poker or something.  We were the last customers of the gift shop before it closed that day.  Next we ventured off for a soda for her and a coffee for me.

Leaving the cafeteria we found Dad in the hall, desperately searching for us and he should have been up there with her, waiting.  "They took her off to surgery, they just came in and said it's time let's go and they took her, but I told them that I had to find my daughters, her granddaugters, so we can all wish her good luck." and that's when the panic started. 

NO.  My possible good-bye to her could not be me slipping out undetected to find my own comfort thinking I had time to get back.  Snart's possible good bye could not be wondering where Meka went and going to look for her.  We were supposed to have time and that time was gone.  We picked up every phone, talked to anyone who would listen, sure she was already sedated and prepped for surgery but we wouldn't stop until we knew.

I would have clawed out my own eyeballs and walked bloodly down the halls looking for someone's attention to help us find her, despite that, someone DID help and we found her.  She was in the waiting area, not drugged more than before, just wearing a hairnet and she was happy to see us.  We had a few minutes before it was all business with the sleepytime doctor.  We did what we came to do, "Good luck Grandma, you'll be fine, we love you, see you soon honey" (dear beloved woman who shaped my life and helped to make me strong) and then we waited.  And we didn't even play cards.  Seemed wrong.  I couldn't escape worry but I smoked a few cigarettes.

40 minutes later, just like the surgeon said, he emerged and told us that the hip replacement had gone well.  Grandma needs about an hour in recovery and then we'll see her in her room.  My need for the puzzles was relieved and we all started to breath and laugh again.  Now just wait.

A few minutes later sleepytime doc was out there asking for us and when he asked us to come into the other room we knew it wasnt good.

Grandma died.  Well, not quite when he told us, but she was near death and the only thing to keep her going was life support and she wore a bracelet that was against it.  He offered us the choice to veto her choice, well dad could veto as he was power of attorney, but we respected her wishes and we were at her bedside as she faded away.  The nurse that was there with us told us that before she was sedated she said she was ready to die so it was OK. 

And there's been no fun since.  The story continues, it goes on forever it seems but I've lost the strength to tell it.  My sister is a wreck, I'm a wreck and she's where she wanted to be...with grandpa.

Perhaps later I'll enlighten you with the spiritual journey that I've been on, how the family has dealt with it, the funeral, the plan for the future, the hole in my heart....but for now just know that "Happy New Year" is not so happy.

As I write this I'm getting better...the distractions at work, the things people want me to do keep me too busy to think about anything too long and that's good.  Busy, busy....too busy to feel anything.  It's funny how distractions seem to work for a while but then, nights like last week Thursday, when I think I'm OK...I think of something and then I cry for hours on end.  And for what it's worth, the people at work have been awesome, allowing me to do what I need to do to get through this.  They didn't even call me retarded when what I needed was to carry on as if all was well and ignore my pain from 8 - 5. 

Her "Shit" rock is in my purse.  I intended to hold it to help me through the funeral right up until I walked in but I forgot when I realized where I was.  Now it's in my purse and I see it when I'm digging for change or getting my keys or looking for a new pack of smokes and I smile.  I remember that stupid rock, how it layed on her dresser for all those years, and it is SO sums up her reaction to bad times.  Shit.

This is gonna kill Snart but I have to:

Well, the race is on! 

We've said since last year that we would host Christmas and Christmas Eve in our new home this year and THAT is going to be impossible without a working kitchen.  The time is ticking away, tick tock tick tock, and here's where we're at:

There is no sink, there are no countertops, the room is completely empty except for a small corner where we've stored the assembled cabinetry and appliances.  The walls are painted but need touching up, the wall cabinets are up, the floor has been leveled and prepped for tile and yesterday the guys installed tiles on the first quarter of the floor.  They say they are going to finish laying them today, I predict grouting in my immediate future, probably after work all week.  We have an area that is 400 sq feet that we're tiling with 18 inch porcelain.

After that we install the base for the kitchen island, attach the cabinets to them and then I will build a countertop.  Did I say I will build a countertop?  Yes...yes I did.  The plan is another tiling job for that, probably shiny black granite.

This summer when I bought "the kitchen" meaning I ordered all the cabinets from Ikea and they arrived, a small mistake was made.  The way they do it is you say "I want THIS cabinet" and they say, well this cabinet consists of 1 of these, 2 of those, 1 of that, all these part numbers that mean nothing to me.  Well, I ordered four of one cabinet and two of another but when it came time to get all the part numbers together my kitchen expert failed to multiply the part numbers correctly, so I got two bases and two doors (should be four), I got four drawers when it should have been eight, I got four of the other doors when it should have been eight.  A mess, and I didn't discover it until last weekend when we were assembling everything. 

The good news is that I wasn't missing anything that I'd payed for, but the bad news is that I had to place another order for $700.00 worth of shit and worry about how to get it.  The nearest Ikea is a good two hours away from us and time is not on our side at this point.

I called our kitchen expert and told her what happened.  Since she had made the quantities mistake, she agreed to waive the shipping costs which was nice of her.  The rest of the kitchen is supposed to be here no later than tomorrow but I'm highly anxious about it because I haven't received an order confirmation or a tracking number or anything.  The money was moved out of our account, so I guess it's in progress.  It will be on my mind until they're here.  There's time, there's time.

In other news our remodeling budget has officially run out.  Any more money spent on the house will have to come out of our income or from my web design.  The good news is that I am up to my ears in web design work and it looks like the work will continue.  I'm getting better, faster and more efficient so things are looking good there.  I have put out 16 websites in the past six months!!  I currently have four in progress, one proposal out and one lead for a new site.  There is a never ending feed of new sites coming from the guy I've been working with too. 

So...the remodeling for 2007 is nearly complete, and there's a deadline...but they'll do it.  They've been working so hard on it, my sister's boyfriend just about lives with us now, he's here at every opportunity to work on the kitchen and I really appreciate it.  I'm doing my job of managing the budget, staying out of the way and making more money to spend. 

As soon as 2008 gets here I'm calling our mortgage guy to refinance because our value is GOING UP and I want to cut out that nasty PMI!  We're going to start working with a financial manager to help us use our money more effectively, I'm going to incorporate and Mav is getting a break from remodeling for a while.  We will start to work on a business idea that I came up with a few weeks ago and then...and then...the sky's the limit.  A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Wish us luck!

At the sweet age of 35 I'm finding some changes.  Things that were unfamiliar a mere 10 years ago.  Ladies and gentlemen, I speak of THE CHILLS and NOT the kind that make you think you're cold.  Ladies and gentlemen I speak of the chills that make you aware of being a sexual being.  The chills that make you want to go home and do God knows what with we all know who.

It's no big secret that my beloved Maverick has been turning me on with his special ways for nearly a decade now.  I love almost everything about that man and day after day he seems to find ways to make me love him and want him more and more.  Based on my history this is a big change, men usually sour the longer I get to know them.  We're comfortable around each other which is always nice, but then he just DOES stuff that shows me what a goof ball he is...he's a kindred spirit, we see eye to eye and we're both as weird as each other.  Heaven. 

There was a time when I was a She-Woman...I CAN DO IT, I can, and I did. I may have hated it, but I did it and I did it all alone, there was no one to thank but me and that was the way I liked it I think.  Having Mav in my life changed that a bit.  He showed up and started treating me like a lady, in contrast to the others who were all "Yeah you GO girl, less work for me".  Mav found out the things I didn't like doing as the tough woman and he took them on and my life now is much easier for it.  Sure, there are times that I want to do things that are traditionally unlady-like, like sawing shit, like nailing shit, like pulling shit around with my truck, and he doesn't seem to want to let me do it alone...and I guess it makes me a little mad because it feels like my growth as a person is being hindered by the fact that I'm a woman and he's trying to take care of shit for me.  I'm an "in the trenches" kind of chick.  That doesn't mean I LIKE the trenches but I at least want to know what it's like.  He protects me from a lot, like a gentleman does and I shouldn't be mad about it.  I should acknowledge that we have a pretty long history together with no expectation of it changing so why should I be worried about honing my She-Woman skills?

 ANYWAY...back to the fun stuff....the SEXUAL URGES stuff, right?

There are some things that even in the dullness of the work day make me all shivery.  Right there in my non-private little work area, I shiver from head to toe, like a horse shaking off dust and horse flies.  For a moment I turn into 

One of the things that makes me shiver is the voice of this man playing on the radio a few times a day:

I'm no retard, I know that's Chris Cornell, formerly of Soundgarden and YES, I loved his voice back then but lately his voice has been making me all.....  purrrrr.....

And YES he was hot then, in Soundgarden

but if you ask me.... he's even hotter now.

for Christ's sake!  That's hot.  But he's not the only one...

There are others.  Take for example David Grohl of the Foo Fighters....this is quickly becoming my favorite song by the way...

Jesus fan me off...

And I'm a married woman.  My husband knows this blog....and I'm not afraid of being in trouble with him because HE KNOWS that even if Chris Cornell came to our door and said to me "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" and if a week later he came back and said "I love everything about you and your quirky yet moody personality" I STILL wouldn't be able to leave the man who knows me in and out and who accepts me despite my many flaws.  He's my lobster, and who doesn't want lobster?  Not me, I ALWAYS want lobster.

He gets the shivers, I save them for him until I get home and then sometimes even later than that...the important part is that he gets all of my shivers.

Extra Credit:

Meka's Favorite Soundgarden song (makes me think of Chewy Sprees, I ate them for every breakfast that year)
Meka's Favorite Foo Fighters Song
Meka's Favorite Band for MANY years, this song in particular is important to me as I played it non stop while my mom was in the hospital...supposed to die of a brain aneurysm.  SHE LIVED and she is OK now!!!!  For what it's worth, THIS ONE is actually my favorite.
Before that, SUPER hot for HIM...we're talking 80's to 90's now even though he's STILL hot with his old ass, in fact my vanity plate still refers to one of his songs!

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to announce that due to some self therapy I am doing fine just fine.

It sounds selfish, but I've been tuned into my own station for a while now, my REAL station, not that station that I thought I needed to play to be accepted.  The station I played loud and proud before I felt threatened....and as it turns out..they LIKE my station.  In fact I've been told that it's nice to hear me laugh again (at work).

I'm done analyzing everything but despite that, it's been a long week. 

Work is it's own thing, one day it kicks my ass the next day I'm bored as fuck.  My supervisors would like to find some kind of formula to know how many hours I'm a Network Administrator vs how many hours I'm client support, but it doesn't work that way... people's needs are what they are.  If it's a system, one of our staff or a client, I can't measure that, sometimes our people are needy as hell, sometimes it's the clients, sometimes it's a system, sometimes it's all of them (and those days suck!!).

A while ago my supervisor suggested that Net Admins have alot of "downtime" which is true, so I agreed.  Equate a Network Admin to a firefighter.  If there's no fires, it's pretty slow, when there are three fires it's hectic as hell, it evens itself out.  A Network Admin AND a firefighter is out there checking up on systems, looking for problems trying to PREVENT fires, and that is as much of the job as putting out the fires that happen.   A Network Admin's job is to foresee problems and address them before they occur.  As a firefighter, there's no planning for a child playing with matches and THAT is what most of our problems are.  I failed to mention that while the fires are few, I'm still fighting.  On top of that, there are a lot of things on the "wish list" and the "to do list" and a RESPONSIBLE Net Admin is never inactive.  When I said some of my days are boring, the boring days are not spent surfing the web, but rather teaching people things they should already know or "fixing" problems that are caused by people not being able to follow instruction (children with matches).  Boring.

I'm sure that's how I was offered the Customer Tech Support role, because some thought I wasn't busy enough to be payed for 40 hours of work, which was wrong.  In hindsight I should have turned it down, but being the "go along girl" that I am, I accepted it.  My bad.

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about work, but rather how my beloved treats me.   

The work week came and went...Wednesday was the first (murder free) Trick of Treat out here at our new home.  We set the outdoor fireplace in the driveway and had a nice fire and a little beers and wine while we gave the candy, a nice night.  The following night was one of the work outings that I plan so it was about 10:00 before we were home.  By the time Friday had come I'd had enough of work, I was tired, and not so much about the work but rather dealing with a particular personality.  When I got home I told Mav that I was just worn out on shit, I was gonna submerge.  I had some web design work to do so I hopped onto it and Mav told me he wanted to listen to music but he'd keep it light so I could relax.

Well, let's just say that Mav played every song RIGHT!  They were alll about having fun and loving each other and our home is our castle and no one can get us here and after looking at him lovingly for playing that song and knowing I needed to hear the one before it I was all....

...because I was turned onto the fact that the man knows me so well.  So I took a break from webdesign and MAN was I relaxed when I came back!

Saturday we were up at 8:00 (grrr) to go to a tiling class.  It went well, learned some stuff.  We left that store and went to another that is known for lower prices.  I fell in love with a tile but they didnt have enough supply to fill our need.  Shit.  I was semi irritated because we could have gone home but I was supposed to do something nearby and based on the timing it looked like I would have to go home and then come out again an hour later.  I HATE chasing around and wasting gas.  We had lunch then went home and I started working on another web design thing....the lingering inconvenience high on my mind.  About 4 hours after the call I was expecting was over due, I started to relax again.  I took a break for the rest of the day...no work, no web design.  What some call a weekend... it was nice.  Nice except that my sister came over late and I was fucking tired from being up earlier than usual and so I was a boring, semi ornery shit the while time she was here. I wished I had the energy to be more inviting but I finally quit trying and said I was going to bed...I never do that.

*  Snart, remember what I told you about being tired???  Shit, I gotta find time to see a doctor.

Today was the Daylight Savings time so I thought I'd be up at like 8:15 but rather I was up at 9:30 (10:30 the day before).  I had a lot of work to do so I got right to it and tonight I am VERY satisified with what I've done.  Basically no one is waiting for me for nothing and that's the way I like it.  I'm caught up.  Balls in their courts....

....AND I'm off tomorrow so I may even be able to help out on the remodeling project!  Yeah!

To celebrate....

Here's something fun and revealing:

TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A WILDBLUEMEKALIZARD:

Some people find it hard to believe that I feel that I'm a shy person.  These are usually the people who I feel really comfortable with and then I have to explain that I mean that I'm shy wth "them", not "us"!! 

I used to have a big problem dancing in clubs, not DANCING, just dancing in front of them.  But I eventuallty got over it and I'd freestyle all over the place....UNTIL the electric slide came on, I didn't know how to do it.  Everyone knows the electric slide song...don't they?  If you don't....this is the song....and WHAT ROCK ARE YOU UNDER???

Anyway...week after week I'd watch them dance the electric slide...I knew it in my head but I could never get out there and try it and I was pretty convinced I'd never learn it, I mean I couldn't practice...this was before the internet offered you the opportunity to listen to any song you wanted...

..but then I noticed that right after the electric slide the DJ played this one...and people kept doing the slide...

...and I had that song in my collection.... and then the DJ played another song....and they kept electric sliding...

...and I had that song in my collection.

So one night I went home and decided to TRY the electric slide in front of the mirror, alone in my bedroom to Hold On and the Atomic Dog.  Don't know you know I rocked that motherfucker so hard  that I couldn't stop?  I was sweating, playing the same songs ten times over, getting funkier everytime!  I was dancing so hard in that room that night that I bounced a 12 inch TV right off the top of a five foot chest of drawers and it died that night, but what was born was the NOT SHY electric slider!

They say once you learn how to ride a bike you'll never forget.  My dancing in clubs days have come and gone.  I'll still dance in a club if the mood strikes me, but here's a secret:  When the electric slide comes on and you feel like you have to drag me out there....it's just a show.  I always want to be out there and I don't think I'll ever get over that!  Look for a headline in the future:  "85 year old woman busts the electric slide" and that will be me.

An article on MSN caught my attention this week:  Are Your Words Holding You Back?

After reading it I was stunned because for the most part, they have described me to a tee and I decided that I do need to change...back.

There was a time not so long ago, since this blog has been online, that I carried myself with confidence and courage.  At that time I worked in a group in which women held the majority.  We all held our own specialized knowledge, we each had strengths and weaknesses and we all knew it and acknowledged it.  Sounds like heaven, right?  Wrong, in fact it was kind of hell.  You see, my technical ability and knowledge aside, my confident presence was viewed by some as cocky and pushy, some people didn't like me for that.  I was convinced that I shouldn't have to change, so I didn't and eventually I left and I took my confidence with me.  Suck on that!

I'm sure that confidence was a big part of what landed me the new job, the job I hold now.  The climate at the new place is a little different.  True, I still hold a unique set of skills that make me valueable to the organization, but my peers are ALSO quite confident and knowledgeable, and men. 

It's rude to say that the people I work with now are much smarter than the ones I worked with before, but it's true, at least in the field I'm in.  I'm finally on a level playing field as far as technical ability goes.  They're quite aggressive in exerting their ideas, and I don't mean to make that sound bad, but again, it's true.  When so and so talks, people listen.  I on the other hand am confident and courageous, but much less aggressive.  I'm unlikely to inject a new and refreshing idea, a GOOD idea, especially in a large group because with these guys the ideas are picked apart and analyzed throughly as they should be.  When an idea strikes me and I vocalize it, I probably haven't put the time into thinking it out from every angle, but it's an idea, like brainstorming... and I suppose I should be glad that my ideas have been given enough credit to be picked apart, but sadly for me, it feels like a personal attack.  And it shouldn't.  I know that, my confidence has been undermined BY ME! 

That's not to say that every idea I come up with is broken down to the point that they're discounted, that's not the case at all.  A few weeks ago there was a meeting about how to approach the design of a new project that's coming up and in the middle of the brainstorming I proposed an idea that was so dead on right that it was quietly contemplated for a few minutes and then was immediately accepted as the right way to go.  It happens that the company owner was in that meeting, so my brilliant moment was extra special to me.  And that wasn't the last brillant moment I've had since then.

I know that I'm a smart little chicky, they know it, and I can't let myself feel intimidated.  Just like the other times, we all have different specialities, backgrounds, training and just because I don't know all they know, I can't let myself be beaten up by that.  I have to keep reminding myself that there are things I know that they don't.  I have to remind myself there are some who have ambitions that drive them to do things that I don't want to do, some who want their career to be the biggest and best thing they ever did.  I'm not like that.  Still, I'm a reliable resource for answers to questions that come up quite frequently about how to approach problems we find and my answers are respected and applied. 

So why am I letting myself feel and appear weak and fragile when I'm not?  As soon as I can answer that, things will be much better for me.  I'm not afraid of being wrong.

I read the article on Thursday and Friday I started applying my change back to confident Meka.  Funny thing is that Friday's horoscope suggested that it'd be wise for me to withhold my inner thoughts for the day, to not speak what came to mind, just for a day.  I ignored it and the day was fine.

These insecure feelings about my place in the food chain have been causing me quite a bit of extra stress lately and I have to find a way to let it go.  Fortunately I had lunch with a friend on Friday who I feel safe with, and I shared some of my insecurities about work with him.  He shared with me his perspective and after that I felt like I was probably over thinking things and probably bringing the stress onto myself for no valid reason.  Stupid sensitive freakazoid I am.  He agreed with me that they climate was a little weird around the office lately and he didn't know why either.  That made me feel much better AND a little self interested, how stupid of me to assume it was all about me. 

Here's where I'm at:  I have to get rid of this bug that has me analyzing every word, every jesture looking for reasons to run away again.  The truth is, even if I'm right (and he says I'm not) there's nothing I can do to change it so why do I worry about it?  To protect my reputation, my record?  If I keep on like this I could think myself into leaving a perfectly good job for another that may not be so good.  Worse, I could let my feelings and actions turn people into thinking and acting the way I'm expecting and then...who knows what?  I can't control the future (damn it!).  Walking around on eggshells is not good for me and I can't keep it up for too long, so I'm going to stop and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm also going to stop letting my immediate supervisor know that I've been tired every day.  I don't want anyone to assume that I've been neglecting my rest while I build my personal empire every night.  First of all, it's not true, I've been getting some rest but I'm still tired, and second, if I were told even casually to choose between my personal goals and my job I would get pretty pissed off.   

So there.  A new dawn. Well, not a new dawn, rather an old familiar dawn that I'd like to see again.  Wish me luck.

So I go into the office today...Monday, ugh.  The office is being remodeled starting tonight so there was a bunch of moving computers and phones for me to do today.  There was stuff going on, busy. 

For some reason EVERYONE was in a really good mood and I'll admit it made me have a really good day.  People were talking to me like they used to, there were smiles and laughs and the work was getting done, it was...fun.

Feeling pretty good I even went in by the owner and said "Hey you know that I wasn't interviewing Friday, right?".  He said "Yeah I found that out but you had us worried there for a while, I mean (your boss) was sweating bullets when I talked to him about it.  I found out you had a meeting with (client) from (other boss), but before that I didn't know what was going on.".  So I said "Yeah, after the last client meeting someone told me I needed to step it up a bit for offsite meetings, so I went for it."   

You see??  You see??  I DO listen to what I'm told. 

So then he says that I looked nice Friday and we joked about how the people I saw were having a casual Friday, and I kind of felt a little over dressed and he said yeah, you never know what you're gonna get.

A little while later an email goes out congratulating me on a certification we all have to do and asking people to thank me for "all I do".  I passed the thing a few weeks earlier and it's not a big deal, but as people are passing these things, emails go out to everyone kind of celebrating another certified staff member.  When I passed mine no one said or did anything.  Well, I did get a good job reply on the email I sent to let the boss know I'd passed, but it wasn't the same thing everyone else "got".  To be honest with you, this is such a stupid little thing, but it kind of hurt my feelings.  I had told two people at work about it a few days ago, and now there's this email that was a little bit more.  Thank her for all she does.

I don't know if it's a coincidence, the timing I mean between the interview thing and the email.  I don't know and I don't really care...it's not worth putting much thought into.  The truth is that we all know that I have been feeling a little down about the work relationships, it made me paranoid, and now in one day everyone is really nice to me again, the owner let me know that if I were interviewing it would bother him and someone knew that my stupid little accomplishment was overlooked and made it right.

The grapevine heard that Meka needs some love and I feel better.  A lot better and I hope it stays that way.  I don't like being negative or guarded, I don't wear it well, it's not me.

Don't even bother reading this until you watch this:

Hello me...meet the real me.
And my misfits way of life.
A dark black past is my
Most valued possession.
Hindsight is always 20-20,
But looking back its still a bit fuzzy.
Speak of mutually assured destruction?
Nice story...tell it to readers digest!!!

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxietys attacking me, and
My air is getting thin.
Im in trouble for the things
I havent got to yet.
Im chomping at the bit, and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.

Hello me...its me again.
You can subdue, but never tame me.
It gives me a migraine headache
Thinking down to your level.
Yea, just keep on thinking its my fault
And stay an inch or two outta kicking distance.
Mankind has got to know
His limitations.

Feeling claustrophobic,
Like the walls are closing in.
Blood stains on my hands and
I dont know where Ive been.
Im in trouble for the things
I havent got to yet.
Im sharpening the axe and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.

Well, me...its nice talking to myself,
A credit to dementia.
Some day you too will know my pain,
And smile its blacktooth grin.
If the war inside my head
Wont take a day off Ill be dead.
My icy fingers claw your back,
Here I come again.

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxietys attacking me
And my air is getting thin
Feeling claustrophobic,
Like the walls are closing in.
Blood stains on my hands and
I dont know where Ive been
Once you committed me
Now youve acquitted me
Claiming validity
For your stupidity
Im chomping at the bit
Im sharpening the axe
Here I come again, whoa!
Sweating bullets

OK, now it's me and now I hope you'll understand maybe just a little bit.  I've always admitted this one as one of my theme songs but now it rings truer than ever.

The only place I'm confident at the moment is at home with my beloved and here in my anonymous world of web design.  LOL, am I a hermit or am I crazy?

So yeah, my survival as I know it is mostly dependant upon my fulltime job, and it's always been known that I will do what it takes to sustain how far we've come, I'll never go back...never. 

I've been tuned into a signal for a good two weeks now, a signal of disappointment, like maybe my time has run out and when I think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, there's nothing that I've done to deserve such feelings...and yet I feel like I'm skating on thin ice.

Enter paranoia....I've NEVER been fired.  Ever.  I've never been dumped.  I've never felt like I was gonna be fired and so I guess a part of me is looking around a bit to see what else is out there.  To dump before being dumped.  Why do I feel like this?

A month ago, maybe six weeks ago I went along as the web (not on my resume but relevant through personal growth) expert on a client visit to a pretty rich client.  I was uncomfortable but I did my thing, you know, turn them on with my technical skills and I felt pretty good about the whole encounter.  Whatever.  So a few days later I was told that when I have an appointment with a client I need to step it up with the wardrobe.  Look more professional.

OK, so let's not even DISCUSS how I own business outfits that would make a CEO sign over his life savings for the chance to see what I was wearing under it.  I KNOW how to dress...the problem is that I'm quite a bit overweight right now AND I'm pretty ashamed of it so yeah, I don't wear form fitting clothes right now.  That's my problem, so in response to the criticism I said OK.

In hindsight of that encounter, the men were dressed much more casually than I was, the saleslady who is less than discreet with her obesity was wearing a form fitting outfit that showed all of her nights with a bucket of KFC. I've been to plenty of client visits before with no critique.  I assumed the comments came from her dislike of my casual style that made its' way up the food chain and down to me.

Friday I had another meeting with one of her clients.

Thursday night I drove home in high anxiety.  I was very aware of how stupid it was for me to be so worried about what I was going to wear Friday, but worried I was.  You see if she'd complained about my outfit with the last client and it had made its way to the top and back down to me, I assumed that it was important enough to pass on.

When I got home I went through my clothes...oh MAN I could make their pants dance with THIS one but I cant wear that now.  I settled on a pant suit that was cute but not too form fitting.  And on casual Friday I waltzed in with my "RESPECT ME and here's my tits to look at" suit on.

I was the best dressed one at the party.  OVER DRESSED.  Ms. Tight Clothes was wearing a too tight for her sweater and pants showing all her rolls, my male counterparts weren't even wearing ties...  For what it's worth everyone in the office said I looked very nice, beautiful even, but I still felt like a dancing monkey, I felt artificial.  Just click the fucking link.

It's funny, the weirdest thing happened before the meeting.  The company owner saw me and he said "Look who's all dressed up!  What is it, an interview?  Isn't it Fridays at lunch that's good for interviews?"  and on my way out of the building to grab lunch I said "Yep, Friday at lunch!".  I was back 15 minutes later but he didn't see me...  If he had I would have told him I didn't have enough baggers experience to get a job at the Pick N Save.  Joke was lost on him but perhaps he left work that day thinking I was out for another job.

It's like me, say I look nice today and I assume that you think I look like shit every other day.  I don't take compliments well unless they're about things less superficial, like my technical SKILLZ or my super human powers.  LOL   Anyway, back to my story... 

We took off for the meeting and again, the people we were meeting with were all in jeans and sweatshirts.  I was jealous.  The meeting went on forever and we were back to city at 6:30, the drive home yet another reminder of how I don't fit in with the young cut throats and ambitious.  I reviewed the whole 90 minute drive in my head before stopping to get dinner at a place that had a 40 minute wait on the drive thru, went in, after 11 hours the cute little PAINFUL shoes were harder than ever to walk in and I stood there for 30 minutes waiting for food. 

Damn it I was pissed and tired but at least I had a turtle sundae.  So much for the cute little business suits.

So now, I'm assuming she was happy with my appearance but now the owner thinks I'm interviewing....and I still can't relate to the superficial ways of those who "command" me...I'm still a bit odd despite my monkey suit and relevant contributions. 

Lesson learned:  Play the game all you want but some people just aren't built to be full of shit.  In other words...I'm fucked. 

For Gary:

So I was innocently sitting up here doing some web work, Mav and Sharpei boy were down in the (cooler) basement doing what guys do.  Mav comes up here and says "Hey honey, grab your cigarettes and a couple beers and come down here and play darts with us.".  OK.

He'd set up a cork board and we were playing with the steel tips, first a game of Cricket that I lost very badly, but it was fun.  Then, it SEEMED like it came out of no where but maybe it didn't, Mav suggested that we play HIS game.  Now I am, well, let's say not in the condition for more work on the web.

Here are the rules to Maverick's Get Drunk Dart Game which I wrote down because I was sure we'd never remember them after two games:

To prep you will need a sheet that you've written 1 through 20 on, six darts, a dart board and some drinks.  Each shooter gets six darts per round.  You'll need to pick a shooting order before you begin.

1.  The shooter previous to the shooter who is "up" picks a number from the available numbers for the "up" shooter to target.  In the beginning of the game the previous shooter is the last shooter in the order.  The "up" shooter throws all six darts, targeting the number specified by the previous shooter.

2.  If the shooter makes the target at least once, the number becomes closed and is checked off the list of available targets but... 

3.  Every dart that misses its target is a drink, UNLESS...the shooter missed the target (but not the board) entirely, in which case the shooter takes two drinks.  The number is still open and is assigned to the next shooter. 

4.  Bullseyes take away one drink and the shooter GIVES a drink to another player, doubles takes away two drinks from the round, triples takes away three drinks from the round.

5.  If the shooter makes all six darts on target, the previous shooter takes six drinks.

6.  In the highly unlikely chance that a shooter makes all six darts in the bullseye (also known as a DOUBLE HAT TRICK), it's a sociable, everyone but the shooter drinks six.

7.  Slippin is a drink.  Slippin is basically screwing up the game by any means, for example, taking your shot and not calling the number for the next shooter, not having any beer in your cup, miscounting your drink score.

The funny thing about this game is that there is no distinguishable winner or loser.  Some might argue that all players are winners (or losers).

Now, who wants to play??

The things Packer fans will do until the game is on....huh??  Geesh.

Man oh man am I glad it's Friday night.  For some reason my antennas were tuned into some weird vibes today.  They made me paranoid about my "place". 

So I thought about it a little bit, ok a lot.  Do I have anything to feel paranoid about?  Did I do something wrong?  I don't think I did, but then again I'm misunderstood all the time so it's possible. 

Confessions time: 

OK, so last week Monday we had an outing that I planned, the company at the Brewers game, tailgating and the whole shits.  It was a great thing and I had the following day off, just because I need to take my time and I figured a late night...you know, getting up would suck more than usual.  Some who remember my "Lemon Drop" antics from the Christmas party assumed that I was planning on getting too shit faced to work the next day but that wasn't true.  I mean I guess I was giving myself the out for that, but getting shit faced at company functions is NEVER in my plans.

Anyway...so it's a blazing hot day, I never stopped sweating from setting up the tailgate so I felt like a scum bag, my hair pulled back because it was just so HOT!  Sitting in the sun drinking Mike's Hards and beer casually...had sushi for lunch and I was just too hot to eat at the tailgate, I got buzzed quick and so did Mav.  Not DRUNK..buzzed...which some might think is worse...because we're jovial.  We're happy...and fuck the people who stress me out.

I know Mav asked me if "she" was the one who I didn't like and I know I said yes without thinking about our volume or proximity.  Whoops.  I dont know if anyone heard us.  Someone who I trust told me I shouldn't care.  I don't think I did or said anything bad but I know I tend to pick on people for fun when I'm buzzed...maybe I hurt someone's feelings. 

I know I asked someone's husband buy me a $7.50 beer at the game and then I didn't turn over the cash immediately.  I remedied that the next day I was at work, and they wanted the money.  No assumptions allowed...

So there's that.  I haven't heard anything, no one has made fun of my behavior at the game, so...maybe I'm ok there?  Who knows.

And then...there's the double agent.

The double agent is a person that I spend a lot of time with who is really irritating me lately and not for the same reasons he irritates everyone else.  The reason he irritates me lately is because he has become VERY self involved.  VERY self important, attention starved and martyr like and people like that piss me off.  He wasn't always like that.

Last year myself and my former supervisor told this fledgling to the IT industry that based on his stories, he had not yet understood what it meant to hold a high demand, high stress IT position and that he should be thankful for that.  Well, as it turns out, his job has become pretty demanding lately and let's just say he's not handling it very gracefully.  The company has made some adjustments to his salary to make the burden a little easier to swallow, but it seems like when they did that, they opened a flood gate for the guy to act like his quite substantial ass is made of gold.  Since the raise, he hasn't really gotten all the pats on the back that I guess he needs because now he's just fucking irritating, he's very negative about everything and his judgement has left the building. 

Proof once again that money doesn't cure every ill and despite the fact that WE KNOW we're doing a good job and working our asses off, we need to hear it every once in a while.  Some of us hold it in and maybe get a little bitter about it, some of us become attention starved annoyances. 

It so happens that this one has become the latter.  So far he has decided that every single client is an ignorant asshole, even the nice ones, and he vocalizes these things loudly at the most inappropriate times, even when we're on the phone with clients.  Truth is all of our clients AREN'T ignorant assholes, but he's so tuned into this one client that they're all the same to him now.  He has become a glory hog and when he's in the office he invites himself to conversations that he's not needed in and then he takes over the conversation, headed in the direction OPPOSITE of the solution, just showing off his vast knowledge (which no one can deny him, he's TECHNICALLY smart as shit, but he's not very good at listening so he gets swept off in his own ideas).  The problem is that he does it when our technically in-knowledgable supervisor has no idea that what he's talking about is irrelivant just to act like he solving "yet ANOTHER problem!" and so he's being viewed as the "hero" as if we need one.  He injects his help when his help is not needed and then bitches about how he's too busy for this shit.  No one ASKED for his help.  He's started undermining the direction the team takes, assuming I'm sure that we too are all ignorant assholes and can't even figure out how to blink without his direction.  He's tossing team members under the bus to make himself look good.   He out talks people to make management think that he's the only one working around the joint.  He crosses boundries that embarass people who he doesn't really know that well**.  He makes sure that everyone in the company knows it everytime he fixes a problem (which is his JOB) and he has started to suggest that the vendor of the products that we deliver is staffed by a bunch of ignorant asswipes.  He is the DEFINITION of a Prima Donna and he is my friend.

You guys know me.  There's catergories for everyone in my life....I'll review for the late comers:

People I love and trust
People I love
People I like and trust
People I like and kinda trust
People I like
People I don't trust
People I don't like
People I tolerate
People I hate

This dude...my friend...over the course of the past few months has gone from people I like and kinda trust to People I don't trust.  It's all on him too.  Me Obiwan, he Darth Vader.  At this point I see him as so self serving that he'd shit right on my forehead if it meant it would make things better for him...and that's not just a girl's feelings, it has happened.  And yet habit is what it is...  I'm in the habit of going to lunch with my friend when he's in town and I'm in the habit of being "myself" around him.  And this week I revealed an injustice in the workplace that I'm the victim of, an unjustice that made my supervisor stutter and half step when he found himself explaining how there are "the rules" and then there are "the rules that apply to Meka", and "my friend" justified the indisgression by suggesting that my position was of less value to the company than his own.  And I didn't say a word, but ever since then I've been looking for him to be wrong, and I kinda want to rub his face in it and I hate that part of me.  He's done it...TECHNICALLY wrong but able to provide a reasonable workaround and he's advertised it and then gotten his fucking cookie for it.  Gah.  It's not a fair playing field, his knowledge is specialized and I don't compete there, but when he comes to MY playing field he gets real humble. 

This "friend" of mine has insulted me and hurt my feelings a few times before, and when confronted with it he back peddled like nobody's business.  It seems my "friend" doesn't HAVE too many friends and wants to keep the ones he has, but he seems to hold an opinion of yours truly that he needs to hide from me to keep me as a friend.  Some "friend".  This time I knew it was his out of control ego at work again and so I decided to let it go.  And lunch with his wife revealed what a martyr this guy is really making himself out to be at home. 

The fact is yours truly has skills and value that my friend doesn't realize because yours truly is happy just DOING good and not advertising it to the world, not that he could handle anyone else getting the lime light now.  OK, so I DO advertise it to the world occasionally but it has to be REALLY good... Anyway, in the "big picture" MY skills are much more diverse and much more marketable in a general sense, where our Prima Donna has really type cast his specialty into a limited number of opportunities.   Jokes on him I guess...I've seen it happen before.

OK, so back to him being my friend.  Over the course of the past few months I've really been TRYING to bring this dude down to earth and he won't come.  It seems that the harder I try the further he gets from the rest of us and so now I'm just tolerating him.  And I wonder to myself why I allow habit to dictate the amount of time I spend with the guy when I have better days when he's out of town.  I stopped sorta trusting him this week and now I'm starting to wonder if my ass is on the line for the things I've shared with him. 

The math adds up:  Me say "Let me tell you some injustice and my opinion of how they dealt with it" and then there's the closed doors conversations with the mid-boss during the week and when the boss and bosses boss come back into the office the vibe is not so friendly to me.  Add that to the obvious self promotion and the ladder climbing...looks like I mighta got tossed under the bus by a double agent.  Good bye sorta trust.  Move down to like and that's pushing it.

And then there's the politics.  Damn the office politics.  Somehow there is an assumption in technical groups.... either you acknowledge a person for being an expert in their field and their way is the highway or you have an experience based contradiction to their ideas.  It seems it's impossible to respect a person's knowledge AND disagree with their approach.  Somewhere along the line a person's experience and knowledge makes them immune to others ideas if they push that idea enough, the contradictors become the enemies of the chosen one. Basically what it boils down to is that the egotistical ones are pissed that someone else came up with an idea they didn't think of so they seek to discredit the idea person.  It sucks and it makes you a target for future discreditation.  The only way to the top is to sink the ones that contradict you and then convince the powers that be that you are always right.  The fact is there is NO ONE who is ALWAYS right and that's why there are teams of people thinking out the future of IT...our IT, your IT...it's all the same.  In the meantime there are those who don't want or NEED to be at the top, those who just want to do what they love and do it WELL, get a reasonable amount of credit for it and go onto the next problem that needs solving.

I was almost desperate for the day to end today.  I went out of my way to have pleasant engagements with people who should have no beef with me and I felt shunned.  I felt tolerated, I felt temporary...and I didn't like it.  I reflected on my suspicions...yeah it makes sense...highly specialized talent revealing the lunchtime revelations of someone who is already being treated unfairly for some unknown reason...the disliked, the hated, the thorn (who? ME???????).  Am I being over sensitive again, am I being paranoid?  Love and hate is so easy in our clicky little office, maybe it has nothing to do with Prima Donna Double Agent, maybe it's just not my day, and if it's not my day then just let it end.

At 5:00 I drove home almost in a panic.  My destination: HOME WITH MAV, the place I needed to be, where I get unconditional love.  The place where I can be moody and irrational, and stupid, maybe even an asshole and just let loose and despite that I'm still wanted there.  Truth is I get moody and irrational and stupid and I become an asshole because of the "other" people on my list, he knows that and he tolerates it until I calm down. 

When the panic slowed down a bit I realized that I AM a valuable "resource" and if I lost my job due to some personality conflict with the stupid Golden Child type shit, or if it was for some other bullshit that I wasn't expecting, I can rebound pretty quick and it would be life as usual for the important ones:  Me and Mav.  If BULLSHIT + CONFUSION = OK for me and Mav then so what?  Not worth worrying about.  In other words... FUCK IT.

Here's MY math:  Me + Mav = Home.  Me + Career = Awesome.   Me + (current) Job = Good.  Home + Career = Awesome.  Home + Career - Job = Find another.  No sweat.  No room for feeling like a red headed step child, even though TECHNICALLY, I AM a red headed step child!  LOL

Fuck it, the weekend is here and maybe my antenna was tuned into a channel that wasn't even being broadcast.  Maybe everyone was just tired of the week and thinking about not dealing with work for the next few days and I was just paranoid.  Either way it doesn't really matter anyway, as long as I learned a lesson.  Didn't Darth Vader kill Obiwan?  Not THIS time!

Yeah, that's Chad Kroger, yeah, that's Nickelback...I was a Nickleback fan way before they hit the top 40 and the rest of y'all tuned in.

And for what it's worth...I'm starting to realize that the leader of men may be the right role for me since I can't figure out whether the way to deal with injustice is passive acceptance or furious resistance.  Maybe the best way is to make your own rules?

Today I had an experience I will never forget.
Dig if you will a picture of me with my foot up a clients ass...a complete asshole of a client....not reasonable, not even nice...been dealing with this fucker for over a month on the same issue and I HATE this guy!

He called me three seconds before I was on my way out to have a cig...caller ID said Unavailable and yet I KNEW it was him.  I said for my coworkers to hear (before I answered) DAMNIT that's HIM and I KNOW IT, I don't wanna answer, I don't, please help me God...."Good Afternoon, this is (me) can I help you?" and it WAS him.

All of a sudden the "this is a paying customer" rainbow shot me right up the ass and I got sweet as punkin pie.  "Oh yes, I know..." (you fucking asshole!) "that is just RIDICULOUS (no it's not)!!  You're so right!" (no, you're SO wrong but you're a client so... fuck me) "Yes, I KNOW" (that it sucks that people are asking you to WORK you fucker!) "that's a lot to ask, but really, it IS necessary, I promise you that." 

The conversation on the phone continues...and I'm basically taking it up the ass in the form of undeserved blame the whole time, resisting the undeniable urge to tell this asshole that he should really look into fucking himself.  Taste the rainbow....

There were a few times that he must have sensed that he crossed the line because I confidently responded that I was not requesting action on his part to amuse myself or to amuse the vendor, but that we had specific intentions in mind.  Asshole!  Yeah, I GET OFF on making your life suck... WHATEVER!

At the end of the 40 minute call (me having a nic fit the whole time) he must have realized that he tried to fuck me too hard and that I was just submitting at that point.... "Yes, let me do this and that" ( to make you happy motherfucker) and he said "You know honey, I may seem like I'm being a jerk but I'm really on your side!".  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Honey.  Honey.  I loved to be called Honey by people who LOVE ME, but for the rest of them??  May as well call me stupid bitch.  That's when the rainbow faded, I ACTUALLY SAID "Yeah I've heard that a lot lately from both sides of this, but if that's true then why is this so difficult!".

OMG... OMG... (ha ha ha)
I shoulda said "yeah but I'm still the bone in between two junk yard dogs..." thank God I didn't say that.

I hung up with asshole, leaving him feel like I had work to do again and then I had that ciggy.  Afterward I went in to tell the boss that usually a ciggy calms me down but this time....NOT SO!  As usual I got the typical male response on how to react without passion or emotion, a reaction that, as a woman (fuck ME!) doesn't come naturally for me...and I guess I have to thank the "balled ones" for leveling my emotions yet again.

For me, "leveling my emotions" means turning cold...all matter of factual your ass.  What's so wrong with the female "GO FUCK YOURSELF, oops excuse me for being so vulgar, but REALLY, have you considered fucking yourself?"  response?? At any rate, I was able to collect what I needed to respond to Sir Asshole with the manager's "balled ones" response, and a little added help from the "balled one" vendor representative who specifically told me to not let the asshole manipulate me.

 The asshole has YET to respond with my "ball guided" answer.  He must have assumed I grew a pair.  Really...damnit, a pair is all you need?

Fucking MEN!  Damnit I love them, I will love them until the day I die.

Perhaps the thing that we as women complain about is what makes them more successful in business.  How about a nice big dick in your mouth but I'm gonna make you think you want it there first because I know how to tell you that you should want it?  Damn them... I love you guys, I really do...

From the female perspective...just tell me what you want and don't make it too difficult for me to give it to you.  I am, after all a kind and giving spirit.... Jesus Christ if you WANT your dick in my mouth, SHIT but alright.... I don't really LIKE that, but if it makes you happy and you make me happy (usually) then it makes me happy....but at least WASH it first!  Otherwise face serious resistance.  But on top of that...it'd be nice if you put your face in the place every now and then.  I won't convince you that you should, but rather I'll assume that it's deserved for being so sweet to you all the time.  In the end, I'm ok with being a bitch as long as you know you're being an asshole.

Between men and women, sometimes it all boils down to sex it seems... it's too early for a woman to have a professional opinion, too early for a woman to know what the fuck she's talking about and have a man respect that without questioning it or requesting the opinion of another man.  That part of being a woman in a "man's field" sucks but you know what? If I make a mark on history it'll be for shouting "WHAT THE FUCK YOU DIRTY DICK MOTHERFUCKER???  Let's go have a beer and argue over this shit.  If I can't make my point you'll see aggression and if I drink you under the table and beat you at an arm wrestle you are now my bitch" while the others in my more timid gender might just go home and put soap in their husband's dinner.

At this point in my experience THAT's not even believeable, such an aggressive woman.  A woman who says fuck so much... a woman who likes beer, a woman who smokes and has the same ambitions as a man...I MUST be a lesbian.  Nope, not... love the dick...

I'm just an every day woman, the woman of the future that you have to deal with NOW.  I'm not perfect, I know that, I know I can be wrong....and that's what makes me different from men.  I can be slapped right in the face with being wrong and accept it where a man needs to deal with being wrong gradually.   If I ever thought I was perfect that would be the same to me as saying I was ready to die (for the perfect are invited to heaven earlier than the imperfect). 

Perhaps if I WERE perfect I'd have thought that this man needed help with his purpose and that I, as one of God's children might have guided him with more compassion and would have never thought about how nice his fucking shrunken head might look atop my monitor for others to see, how I'd wear his balls as a charm on my necklace, for others to witness how this seemingly "too nice" person is ready to kick one of the "balled ones" right in the nuts when he needs it.

Suppressed rage.  Does it make me dangerous or revolutionary?  I guess time will tell.  Either I'll be respected or behind bars. 

I'm still learning how to play by their game and at the end of any game someone wins and someone loses. 

In the end my male coworkers who'd heard the conversation between me and the asshole told me that knowing what an ass this guy is, they were quite impressed with how I handled it, quite impressed with the rainbow in my ass. .  They knew I wanted this guy's nuts on a skewer and yet the rainbow in my ass left the asshole feeling like he'd accomplished stirring the pot again even though he hadn't and despite all of that I was surprisingly cool about it.  They were proud of me.  We talked about how at the root of things I'm a nice person, not trying to piss anyone off and then they reaffirmed the fact that if it ever got that bad we'd all go out and beat this motherfucker with a baseball bat.  No, we won't, but I WOULD write his name on a piece of paper and then shit on it.  

LOL...a sick passive-aggresive motherfucker am I.

I drove home after this whole thing in high spirits... probably a lot of it due to the comfort of my coworkers but most of it just being over for the day.  He can't get to me after hours, and even though he didn't know it, I BEAT his ass this time.  I'm not miserable, I'm fucking happy!  I'm smarter and more reasonable than he is...people like me, people see that I'm only ugly when it's requested of me and so I guess that makes me what they say....BEAUTIFUL!

Beautiful and rebellious...

How could I be anything but that when the words of Dee Snider runs in my veins?  If you never understood me the time has come...are you ready?  Click Play.

...and ladies and gentlemen... I DO rock!

This post goes out to my beloved Dipshit....in memory of the times when the affairs of my heart were dark and she filled that void with loving company, fun and understanding.  Dippy, while we're no longer "a floor away" I still love you like I always have and I miss the great times we had together!

Dippy this one reminds me of the first time you had lunch with the "What the fuck's up with that HAIR?!?!" chick with the pink Tracker.  You must have thought I was retarded for loving this song but after a while you loved it too...

Remember that time we were talking about how your dad died and this song came on the radio while we were talking???  Damn it that seemed supernatural!!

Remember that cutie Chase who wanted me to chase him and when I dumped his ass he left this s